to the shifting and displaced

feeling apocalyptic

2011-09-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

The trumpet child will blow his horn
Will blast the sky till it’s reborn
With Gabriel’s power and Satchmo’s grace
He will surprise the human race

The trumpet he will use to blow
Is being fashioned out of fire
The mouthpiece is a glowing coal
The bell a burst of wild desire

The trumpet child will riff on love
Thelonious notes from up above
He’ll improvise a kingdom come
Accompanied by a different drum

The trumpet child will banquet here
Until the lost are truly found
A thousand days, a thousand years
Nobody knows for sure how long

The rich forget about their gold
The meek and mild are strangely bold
A lion lies beside a lamb
And licks a murderer’s outstretched hand

The trumpet child will lift a glass
His bride now leaning in at last
His final aim to fill with joy
The earth that man all but destroyed...

(over the rhine, "the trumpet child" 2007)

friday baking

2010-03-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

i'm making these today. (yum! thanks marthastewart.com!)

2009-12-22T11:22:00.000-08:00

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy dark and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by

Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight

The lamplit streets of Bethlehem
We walk now through the night
There is no peace in Bethlehem
There is no peace in sight

The wounds of generations
Almost too deep to heal
Scar the timeworn miracle
And make it seem surreal

The baby in the manger
Grew to a man one day
And still we try to listen now
To what he had to say

Put up your swords forever
Forgive your enemies
Love your neighbor as yourself
Let your little children come to me

(lyrics: "Little Town", First verse: Traditional. Additional Words
and Music: Detweiler)

i could have done this forever without meaning to...

2009-09-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

working here, and living here. in this job i neither love nor hate in this place i both love and hate. i cannot believe how it could be that three years have slipped by so quickly and already by this winter i will be moving on. they have gone by so fast and, though well celebrated, largely un-weighed. i can see how thirty years could disappear in the same fashion.

lovely...

2009-08-26T13:36:00.001-07:00

http://www2.aqmd.gov/webappl/gisaqi2/VEMap3D.aspx

my hair smells like fire

2009-08-26T09:10:00.001-07:00

this morning as i rode to work, the air was hazy and smelled of fire. the world had an eerie calm as if at peace with pain and destruction. it seemed fitting.

afternoon listening....

2009-08-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

kickin' it old school on pandora this afternoon...
fitting to my mood today.

I'm trying to tell you something about my life, maybe give me insight between black and white.
And the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously...
(Its only life after all)

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket; I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it;
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor; I went to the mountains
I looked to the children; I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive the closer I am to fine

I went to see the doctor of philosophy with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie. He graded my performance; he said he could see through me.
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper and I was free...

I went to the doctor; I went to the mountains
I looked to the children; I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive the closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m. to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend,
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before (and I went in seeking clarity).

I went to the doctor; I went to the mountains;
I looked to the children; I drank from the fountains;
Yeah, we go to the bible; we go through the workout;
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout...
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive the closer I am to fine...

cherries and cheese sticks

2009-07-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

the last three days i have eaten this for lunch, and i'm not sick of it yet. plus, it seems to offer a decent quantity of energy... just watch the amount cherry consumption (hee)...

what is your favorite lunch?

pet peeve

2009-07-22T09:24:00.001-07:00

today i realized that i very much dislike when people say "its so hot out" in the morning of a day that is going to be hot. no, it isn't so hot out. it is going to be so hot out. but for now, it is lovely. enjoy it!

frustrations

2009-07-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

i need something to believe,
something with long sleeves...

things i am ranting about:

-i'm scared to death about moving to the next stage of life. i don't have a clue what to do next
-every time i think i know what i want to do with my life, i manage to second-guess myself into a swamp of utter confusion.
-my health is so frustrating. i want to be all better!
-i need a vacation so badly. like a real, honest-to-goodness, go away with andrew someplace that is not a family memeber's house and relax. and there's no money, and no vacation time for any of that.

okay. that's pretty much it.

a typical week

2008-12-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

a typical week for sarah includes the following:

-spill hot water on some article of clothing: 1-2 times
-spill hot water on the floor: 5-7 times
-forget what i am working on because i was staring out the window: >100 times

:-)

A lesson in Thankfulness

2008-11-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, I’ve been noticing something… I’ve seen the Kingdom of God more outside of the church than within it. This is unsettling to me, but not altogether surprising. There are plenty of stories about the church in my past – horror, drama, joy, and mediocrity – but of late it has been somewhat more marked. Within the church, I am frustrated. Where is the Kingdom? Am I bringing it, living in it? Why does it feel like no one is doing the work of the Kingdom… including me? But outside of the church, I see the Kingdom. I see moments of sacrificial love in the non-sentimental realities of living out life. I see compassion and generosity. I don’t know what to make of it, especially in the light of trying to view the Church (big “C” for the body of Christ) as my true family, my true home.

I continue to be reminded of that Pedro the Lion song as it pops into my head again and again…”you were too busy steering the conversation toward the Lord to hear the voice of the Spirit…” I want to sing it here and there: shut up! Listen—to the Spirit!

But, despite the confusion, I am glad to see the Kingdom alive and at work. I am humbled and thankful.

To the Lamb on the throne, before the sea: Thank you, that you appear in darkness and in light; that you turn the sea into glass; that you are at work, promoting your Kingdom in the world. Of this, let me be a part.

(“besides, it could not have been the Lord because you don’t believe he talks that way…”)

i'm a bad blogger

2008-10-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

this is what i told my husband yesterday in response to his "you haven't posted anything to your blog in a long time" comment. alright, alright. but i think many people who post to their blogs every day are bad bloggers. touche?

at any rate, i probably have a life insight or two, and definitely some good song quotes, up my sleeve. but time gets away from me. in other news, i am going to have a voice lesson tonight. i don't think its the start of "anything", but it is doing something for myself. check.

(i just read my brother's blog, and it has negatively influenced my ability to use full sentences. go figure.)

this title includes a frown.

2008-06-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

i had to throw away my mini-rosebush yesterday-- the little yellow one andrew had bought me for my birthday last year. it was my office companion for one year and 28.5 days.

i will miss it.

things that make me happy

2008-05-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

pictures of andrew on my google desktop sidebar.
breakfast bar.
hot coffee.
andrew's cute sleepy head before i leave every morning.
free lunch.
sunshine out my window.

happy birthday to me!

2008-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

the weather outside is a warm 55 degrees (ha, ha), with a high of only 69. the sky is overcast, and its rainy. weatherbug calls it "low clouds and fog with only partial afternoon clearing. Patchy drizzle in the morning." Lovely. At first when I got out of bed and saw that it was like this outside, I was a bit disappointed. But oddly enough, when I got on my bicycle to ride here, the smell of the outdoors (and the look of it, too) reminded me strongly of home. And so, I consider that a birthday present.

angels of the silences

2008-04-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

(props if you know where that's from)

i have been away far too long. it is a trend- i apologize. but, it's thursday (i didn't realize until just now as i am reading this post to publish) and that makes this a thursday reflection. by definition.

the truth is, there hasn't been too much new insight to write on. but i'll drop some bullet points for a fun random assortment of things going on with me and the husband (the husband and i).

we're going on vacation together in laguna beach this june. i'm pretty excited.
i've been thinking more seriously about getting a phd in clinical psychology. thus i've been reading up on some books i think will help me through the application process. currently reading: cognitive therapy, basics and beyond by judith beck.
tomorrow is friday and also the first day we'll be going out to the track for an hour in the am to walk/run. hooray for fitness.
the state of the anglican communion worldwide is confusing, and saddening.
i haven't decided yet who to vote for for president. hmm....
i really want to be a fantastic chef. however, alas, i am beginning to think that it requires more money than i can throw at food these days.
birthday is coming soon. 23 years not very old.
i love andrew.
lost is coming back on tonight. which is another pretty exciting thing.
i'm hosting (semi-hosting, really) my very first baby shower for a friend. its a new life experience!
come to think of it, several of my friends are having babies now. it is going to become a much bigger part of my life than it has up until now, this little-kids-being-around-all-the-time thing.
i don't know how on earth i'm going to be okay moving back to the climate of doom that is pittsburgh. kyrie eleison. i really like sunshine. a lot.
there are new posts on the photoblog (through christmas) and more to come soon.

alright, enough. peace, everyone.

friday lyrics

2008-02-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

In a sweater poorly knit, and an unsuspecting smile, little Moses drifts downstream in the Nile. A fumbling reply, an awkward rigid laugh, and I'm carried helpless by my floating basket raft. You're a flavor in my mind, back and forth between sweeter than any wine and as bitter as mustard greens. And it's light and dark as honeydew and pumpernickel bread; the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead.

Go plow some other field; try and forget my name; we'll see what harvest yields supposing I do the same. I planted rows of peas and by the first week of July they should've came up to my knees but they were maybe ankle high. Take the fingers from your flute; weave your colored yarns; boil down the fruit to preserves in mason jars. And the books are overdue, and the goats are underfed; the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead.

You're a door without a key, a field without a fence. You made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since. But she'd come circling back, and we'll end where we begun, like two pennies on the train tracks, train crushed into one.

But if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed, if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need. No boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head; the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead.

-Me without You

horror and freedom

2008-02-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

(thursday reflections)

last night we went to a wednesday lenten service at church. it has been a pretty cool experience these past two weeks: soup dinner, small group of people, quiet, candlelit sanctuary, simple evening prayer. interestingly for me (as it has never happened before), last night as our priest came to the point in the Lord's supper where he holds the wafer up before the eyes of the congregation and says, "Christ our passover is sacrificed for us" (to which we respond, "therefore let us keep the feast"), my eyes welled up in tears. this has never happened to me before. but i just felt, well... free. Christ our passover is sacrificed. as if to say, sweetheart, it's okay. it's been done. you're free, now. keep the feast! and it certainly is not the case that i don't "already know" all this. it just hadn't hit me so emotionally before then.

when i was little, my mom was wont to speak of the problem of desensitization. the more you see something-- usually she was referring to sex or violence on tv or in movies-- the less it shocks you. the more you are exposed to it, the more you accept it as okay. and certainly, she is right. the process of enculturation is non-selective. we accumulate all of our knowledge of "normal" through basically one method: environmental observation. i always notice it most in myself when i see a new fashion or makeup trend. at first, it strikes me as weird and generally unattractive. but after a while i find myself liking it more and more. "it grows on me." indeed, exactly so. (alas, i am doomed to be a style follower, never a trend-setter.)

but today i am thinking that perhaps that desensitization process can be a mode of adaptation-- a healthy thing. when my heart experiences the pain and bondage of sin in the world in a new way, one i had not dealt with before, and i become trapped in that seizing but it isn't okay! feeling, i generally (unintentionally) wound myself more. i experience anxiety, a weighing down of my heart, and a sharp sensitivity to the world around me (like a temperature-sensitive exposed nerve that sends shooting pain at the least change in temperature). i get stuck, so to speak, in the "horror" of it.

and so, when and if i finally begin to feel the desensitization process kicking in, i think it is fair to be thankful. because while it is true that i may be more at risk of losing the seriousness i had about the reality of the world, i think that we cannot hope to live capably if we are always experiencing the full weight of the darkness. and the lighter load enables us to be joyful. and it enables us to be free. and after all, Christ our passover is sacrificed for us, therefore let us keep the feast. for we are free.

lenten devotion

2008-02-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

it is sunny here today; the sunshine warms the earth to just short of hot, while the breeze is pleasantly cool. i spent a calm hour outside, split between a phone call with my husband and an attempt to finish the current selection for the book club i am in. (failed attempt: i am but 2/3 through, and the meeting is tomorrow). these are joyful things.

in two days we will be one full week into lent. this year, andrew and i have given up a vague category of items we are calling "sugary foods." it is like giving up chocolate on steroids. and for some reason, it is not the sugar disappearing which i mind-- there are still fruits and 100% juices to satisfy the drive for sweet-- it is that i feel as though i am semi-fasting. i have this strange nagging semi-hunger throughout the day, which is not too different from a strange nagging semi-fatigue that i often experience. i hope that this hunger is more mental than physical (and, it should be, since i am still eating!), and that it is created by the human principle of "wanting what you cannot have", and that in this way it will be helpful toward the spirit of the sugar fast, namely the lenten journey of downward ascent to the cross. i think that perhaps it might be. (by the way, the "downward ascent" of lent is not at all my phraseology. i first read the term in a selection from the book, "Bread And Wine: Readings For Lent And Easter".)

in addition, we have been reading selections daily from the book i just mentioned, which is taking us thematically through lent as a journey instead of an endless clump of days ending in the frenetic-motion-tumble of the events of holy week. i have really enjoyed the readings thus far. i have also enjoyed the daily reminder that we are in lent, and that it is a significant time of journeying through ourselves to Jesus, and of seeing our story as it is redeemed by his story.

it is good. but despite all this, i am going to make one hell of an easter feast. have no doubt.
:)

resurrected

2008-01-31T10:52:00.000-08:00

thursday's reflections. for the first time in... a long time.

i'm having a sad day. i won't be shy about it. there is nothing terrible, and nothing to hide; the only things that have gone wrong have been a series of stupid little things, honestly laughable. for example, i brought oatmeal to work, and there were no bowls to microwave it in. so i used a hotcup, and my oatmeal exploded in the microwave. (go ahead, laugh.)

really i'm somewhat detached about the whole thing. i can see my broken heart and feel how close to tears i am at some moments, and i know that its just a matter of the wrong chemical balance in my brain this morning, combined with events which might even have brought a laugh if the balance had been different. of course, diagnosis is no cure, and i'm still having a sad day. but it isn't one to panic over.

at any rate, in the midst of all this, i read the daily office scriptures for today. the am psalm is psalm 50. and the psalm is a familiar one. the mighty one is calling his people back to him. calling them to salvation. and in the last verse, he says, "those who bring thanksgiving as their sacrifice honor me..." and those words strike two chords in me. one, anything that is not by nature a grumble or a complaint is a sacrifice right now, so i understand. but two, i don't understand-- what is a sacrifice of praise? is it what i am feeling now? or is it something else, something more?

lego my lego

2008-01-28T08:58:00.001-08:00

happy 50th birthday to the lego brick!

friday lyrics - and some words

2008-01-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

The people you you've been before
That you don't want around around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

from "Between The Bars", Elliot Smith Either/Or, 1997

so this song came on this morning while i was on my way to work, and i had to laugh. perhaps God intends that there truly be a soundtrack for my life. (if this is true, i hope i'll get a copy...) i really hadn't intended friday lyrics posting to be more than a one-time thing. but since the song presented itself, and got me thinking, i decided to let it jumpstart me into a post.

what strikes most deeply at me is that i know a lot about the things i won't do but could. and in the midst of really trying to pray about and think about what is next for my life-calling-career-job after we're done out here, i've become (predictably) very overwhelmed and filled with fear. there are lots of things i've been capable of in my life; there are lots of things i could have done. and i've been consistently too lazy, too afraid, too depressed, or too indecisive to do them. or all of the above. i really don't want those people around me anymore. those me-people.

at least this time, i'm also very afraid that i'll do the same thing i always do. which, while still fear, is at least a fear which pushes me in the direction that seems to be forward instead of holding me immobile. i hope this is progress.

(last comment: i'm not recommending drinking as answer to anything. these words are a poem, not a teaching.)

happy friday.

friday lyrics

2008-01-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a tiller
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that go god damn

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our own wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

(from "Missed The Boat", Modest Mouse, We were dead before the ship even sank. 2007.)

another day, another milestone

2007-12-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

well, we've made it. 18 months of marriage today, and still happy to be best friends. congratulations to andrew! congratulations to me!

giggle.

2007-10-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

yeah, i'm a "cool nerd." so there.

a really cool thing.

2007-10-22T14:56:00.001-07:00

check this one out. vocabulary learning, which is fun, paired with rice donating, which is great.
(i'd be excited about it even if it were just the vocab, i think.)

Oktoberfest success

2007-10-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I cooked a glorious Oktoberfest to celebrate the marriage of Prince Ludwig... er... to celebrate the joys of good German food, fall, and of course, beer! I think I posted the history of Oktoberfest last year, so I'll spare you now, but here's what I made: (nb. the potato dumplings were not all that flavorful. you may want to doctor them up a bit should you choose to make them!)

Kartoffel Kloesse

Wiener Schnitzel

and, though pictureless...
Gurkensalat

(recipes and photos are property of Allrecipes.com. thanks.)

go steelers.

2007-09-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

What a laugh, check this out:

Pittsburgh leads nation in female NFL fans

oh, Steelers, you are my team.

when one voice falls silent

2007-09-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.madeleinelengle.com/multi/photos.htm

madeline l'engle died yesterday. being perhaps the greatest influence on my heart, my writing, and my dreams for many a childhood year, i mourn the stillness of her voice in this world.

here is how ny times eulogizes.

a second toast

2007-07-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

in all of that story-telling, i failed to write about our anniversary.

we made it into a weekend affair, because the day of was a sunday...
so friday night we went to this restaurant. it was wonderful... so good. saturday we went to long beach, to the aquarium and to hang out. also, good times. then we came home with take out and a movie, and just relaxed. sunday we drank the champagne from our wedding night +1 (the day before the honeymoon) and had a brunch.

all of the celebrating was really, really fun. and it is fantastic to be a year out and still really, really love being married. i'm happy about how far we've come. (and i'd write more, but the finances are calling...)

a toast to year 1

2007-07-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

it having been the case that i forgot to post about our first wedding anniversary, i will take a moment to post about it now, upon our first anniversary of living in california. indeed, on this day last year we were just about now (or somewhere near "now" in the timeless hours long drives create) crossing the border into the state of california and being searched listlessly by two very hot border guards during the unseasonably hot and humid weather we arrived during. (the humidity we were blamed for). i suppose this calls for the story, as stories are how we remember.

it was hot. the car was hot. the uhaul trailer was hot. we were hot. (thank you, Jesus, for allowing our a/c to have still been working, though we had to turn it off several times to allow the engine to cool down.) we were excited to be entering our new home state. it was empty desert. it was pretty. it was barren. we stopped in san bernardino. the traffic started to get bad. the highways turned into freeways. two lanes opened into four. we were tired of driving. the sun was bright. the driving was stressful, the roads were so crowded and we so unfamiliar with where we were headed. we were excited about marriage beginning "for real." we were scared about it, too. we were entering the "promised land" and it was no longer a dream but a place. a hot, dirty, exciting, fearful, new, tired, crowded place.

upon our arrival, we were greeted by our resident coordinator. welcome to california. welcome to fuller. he was funny, we were in good hands. he helped us unpack. we had called him, he had told us where to park. we had parked- and waited for him to arrive to greet us. we looked at each other, each thinking our own thoughts about moving in. mine were simple: this is it. here we go. when he had come, he had led us to park under our building, next to the elevator. he had sent me upstairs to open the doors, while he and andrew brought up the first load.

there were disappointments. we were tired, after all. it had been a dream, after all. it was now a reality, and imperfect. we walked down to the corner for dinner and sat there alone in the empty restaurant eating our burgers. we brought the pop back and put it into our empty fridge. this is new life... a place covered in boxes and dust, and an empty fridge. fear because we had no jobs, no friends, no grocery store or internet or food in our fridge or toilet paper or church or anything to do for many days... except learn how to weave a life in a place you've never ever seen before, with a new life-mate.

hmm. remembering is good. we've come a long way. happy one year, life. you're doing alright.

tribute to office life

2007-06-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

me: its a freaking uncomfortable chair day

coworker: hahaha. uncomfortable chair day.

oh, you mean everyday?

ride 4 roswell

2007-06-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

this is a plug for my cousin Chris. (ps. his aunt marty is my mom):

"Hello everyone,

I will be riding 62.5 miles next Saturday, June 23rd in the Ride 4 Roswell.
I am emailing you to ask for your support of my efforts, as well as the efforts of Roswell in treating people with cancer and finding a cure.
If you decide to donate, here is the link: Chris Dohring's Page at the Ride 4 Roswell (you can make an online donation by clicking "Donate").

My Personal Dedications:
This is my first Ride 4 Roswell. I am dedicating my ride to Christina's Mom (Mathison) & Papa (Dohring). I'll also be riding in support of Aunt Marty (Whitehead) & Aunt Sandy (Ravitz).

'All of the money raised will go to promising cancer research and to advance patient treatment at Roswell Park. This support gives our doctors and researchers the necessary resources to discover cures for all cancers and provide innovative therapies and quality of life programs improving the lives of our patients.'

Note:
I have already reach my minimum required donation level to ride, so please do not feel obligated to donate.
Please take the opportunity to donate if you feel led to because, like me, you have been affected by someone in your life battling cancer.
Any donations are much appreciated. Hopefully, together we can make a difference."

needed to hear it, just not sure how to live it

2007-05-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

i'm not always good at this, but the conviction that this is true and right was a good enough start:

"The insistence on the absolutely indescriminate nature of compassion within the Kingdom is the dominant perspective of almost all of Jesus' teaching.
"What is indescriminate compassion? 'Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say, "I'll offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people"? Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could do that only by ceasing to be a lamp. And observe how helplessly and indescriminately a tree gives its shade to everyone, good and bad, young and old, high and low; to animals and humans and every living creature-- even to the one who seeks to cut it down.This is the first quality of compassion-- its indescriminate character.'"

(brennan manning, with quotation from anthony demello)

the next big thing.

2007-05-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

here it comes. check it out here

i recommend this:

2007-05-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

i started using this on my face everyday:
and so far, so good. if you plan to use it as facial sun care (which i do), be sure to use it under foundation. the first day i tried it over the foundation and it left me looking dewey and revealed my natural (read: blotchy) skin colors (instead of the color-smoothed look of the foundation).

yellow roses, coffee, and a handful of shoes

2007-05-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

(a birthday story).

Birthdays are somewhat of a big deal for me. And I imagine that, being now past all of the uphill milestone years, I will soon have to choose between a) growing up enough not to need the world to stop for my birthday or b) coordinating my own world-stoppage. But for this year, the world was made lovely and special by my Andrew. (Along with some wonderful additions from friends and family, of course). And in case you don't care to read this in entirety, I'll give you the upshot: I am pretty sure that I will remember this birthday for the rest of my life because of Andrew. And how.

It was definitely a fat week/end preceding-- we went out for Indian on Wednesday, and then beers, and out for beers again Thursday (both times with different friends), and ate pizza for dinner Thursday night, and Friday two (not just one, no!) of my coworkers brought in pastries to share, and I had a catered Italian food wedding shower at lunchtime. (Plus your random coffee, cookies, and chocolate here and there…) THEN, after all that, the birthday weekend began.

-5:17p Friday. I came home to an empty house, which afforded me the opportunity to get creative with my cooking (I don't tend to do that as often as I'd like to, because I'm lazy or I'd rather bug Andrew). That was fun, and it even turned out okay (although I still overcook most of my meat--crap.)

-6:00p Friday. Andrew got home, we ate, and then he left the evening's itinerary up to me. Being lazy, I picked Seinfeld and drinks… and so we bummed around and watched a few episodes, and baked chocolate chip cookies (the break and bake kind), and Andrew gave me my first birthday gift -- two delicious chocolate bars (both delicious delicacies, of course).

-9:00a Saturday. We slept in, then hung out a bit, got up slowly and got ready, and I got two more presents (cute shirt! and new nora jones cd!).

-12:00p Saturday. We hit up IHOP for delicious diner coffee and breakfast, and then stopped at target for an errand and ended up getting a *few* extra things (including the cutest crop pajama pants ever.)

-2:30p Saturday. Andrew took me shoe shopping, and was exceeding patient as I tried on 100+ pairs. (Okay, not that many. But a good few.) And, he bought me some. :)

-4:30p Saturday. We grabbed iced lattes from Starbucks. Yum.

-5:00p Saturday. We drove home, unloaded all my booty, and grabbed some meat to take over to Stasi's birthday party (hers is the 5th I think) for dinner.

-8:00p Saturday. We had to spend a bit of time doing stuff for church, but we hung out and listened to music and laughed a little and Andrew was still being the sweetest man alive, so it counts to go on this list.

-8:30a Sunday. Had to wake up to spend the day at the normal church/youth group thing, but: (1) it was our church carnival - kinda festive - and (2) a couple of the youth group kids brought me an icecream cake and sang to me. Yay!

-7:00a Monday. I wished to God I had taken the day off or the clock would stop (He ignored this request and allowed time to march forward), but Andrew gave me a huge hug and I mustered up enough umph to get up and go to work. I felt somewhat blasé for a few hours.

-10:00a Monday. My supervisor grabbed my attention to turn around and find that they had brought me a cake, card, and gift! So sweet!

-10:30a Monday. My parents both called simultaneously, and my phone managed to confuse the crap out of me by recording my dad's number and my mom's message. Plus my dad's number was incorrect, so when I returned his call I got the wrong guy, and then I finally got my dad back to ask, "Is mom with you?" to which he confused-ly replied, "no… I just called to say happy birthday." poor dad! He then suggested that he hoped the rest of my day was going better… and of course wished me happy birthday.

-11:00a Monday (or somewhere thereabouts). I also got emails from Bee and from our bible study group, and from Katie saying she'd like to have lunch and take me to coffee.

-12:00p Monday. Met up with Katie and another friend of hers, and we wandered over to Peet's in the blistering heat for iced drinks and our lunches. Like the dunce that I am, I neither remembered to turn my phone ringer back on nor to tell my coworkers where I was headed. It was a nice lunch...

-12:40p Monday. I looked at my phone to find 3 missed calls--all from Andrew. I was instantly worried, so I called him back. He didn't answer, so of course I was then even more worried. I then saw that he had left a voice message, so I checked that and found that it said "just wondered what you were doing for lunch today"… and so I felt relieved that he was not dead, dying, or stranded with a broken-down vehicle, but stupid that I had left my phone off. Finally, a few moments later he called back, and revealed that he was on campus with the intention of surprising me for lunch but could not find me. We at last met up at 12:50, and spent the remaining 10-15 minutes of my lunchtime together. I felt like a heel for not leaving my phone on, and for making him run all over campus looking for me. (He had even called Katie, who of course had not brought her phone. Murphy strikes again.)

-12:50p Monday. The happy ending to that story is that Andrew was still somehow happy to see me and wish me happy birthday, and not at all peeved to have spent so long trying to find me. Such a sweetie.

-1:05p Monday. I walked back into my office after lunch to find this adorable miniature yellow rosebush in a pink pot sitting on my desk with a note from Andrew. (Its still beautiful, so far… and I like having something to care for here in the office. :-)

-3:30p Monday. The afternoon being quiet after lunch-escapade afforded the chance to call my mom back and say thanks for calling. I left work at 5:00p (remaining cake stuffed into backpack!) to bike home in the blistering 90 degree heat.

-5:17p Monday. I came home to the A/C blasting (such a huge relief!) and a gift bag sitting on the ottoman, as well as two birthday cards! I was very surprised to see another gift-- I thought we had already wrapped up the gift-getting.

-5:30p Monday. After changing clothes, we left for Olive Garden and on the way Andrew let me open my gift-- which was the pair of shoes that I had wanted on Saturday but said no to because we were buying too many other ones! I was thrilled, and of course wore them to dinner. ;-)

-6:30p Monday. Dinner was great; Andrew was charming and listened to my chatter so lovingly, and our waiter was horrible but not so bad you'd get angry, just bad enough to joke about.

That was pretty much it, but over all what sticks in my heart and mind is how lucky I am to have the husband I do and how gentle, loving, caring, and over-the-top giving he was this past weekend in order to make me feel celebrated and cherished. (It worked.)

The end. :)

PS. Tonight at biblestudy I fear I will be made to wear a birthday hat…

toto, we're not 21 anymore

2007-05-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to me!
(more on this later)

fat weekend.

2007-05-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

happy almost birthday to me!

so, as i sit here and eat a muffin that Irma brought, and contemplate the danishes Nora brought and the catered lunch i'm going to, and the birthday breakfast tomorrow (happy cinco de mayo! i definitely fell into the "isn't that mexican independence day?" trap...), and going out to eat on monday....

...i think to myself, "mmm, fat weekend."

luke 6:35

2007-04-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

and we're supposed to be. kind. to those people who make me so frustrated i want to scream. to the jerks who cut me off when i'm driving to the store. to the mean spirited. to the people who ruin my days. to the guy who kinda robbed us a few years back. to the evil. to the ones who don't regonize how much effort i put into something for them. to all. to all. to all. but especially to those toward whom kindness is the very last, very farthest thing from my mind.

i was planning to read more but i got stuck on that phrase. so there's my meditation for today.

really never thought i'd be saying this, but...

2007-04-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

happy administrative professionals day!

yeah, people decided i deserved gifts. this is always a good thing. ;-)

and now, a word from ...

2007-04-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

brought to you by CitationStation:

"Parking can be as dangerous as driving if you are not careful. For example, if you are parked improperly on a hill and your brakes give out, your car could drive off by itself becoming a runaway missile on an unmanned mission of destruction."

God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut

2007-04-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

AFP/Getty Images/File - posted on Yahoonews

Yesterday Kurt Vonnegut died, at age 84, from brain injuries suffered after a recent fall in his home in Manhattan. I'm not really one to notice these things, but this one made me awfully sad. You can read about it here.

(editorial note: i changed the hyperlink from a yahoo article to time magazine's obit. partially this is because i like time magazine better, and partially because it ends with my favorite vonnegut quote-- i even quoted it in a paper once.)

popcorn thoughts about today

2007-04-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

here is an interesting commentary on music, beauty, and busy people, recommended to me by katie.
this morning i am trying airborne for the first time. it tastes odd, like some weird herbal... well, like you would expect, i suppose.
i've been feeling lately this intense and absurd interest in yoga and pillates ... now if only i would actually do them, i might benefit.
internet traffic schools have hilarious names... it seems obvious that they are vying for my attention. the real killers are the "comedy club traffic school" types. yeah, it's gonna be a riot, let me tell you.
i wish i knew how to deal with residual sadness, the kind that remains long after the reason to be sad has gone away. i would be much happier, i think.

alright enough. peace, my friends

(editorial note: i ended up going with a school called citationstation. ;-)

with a touch of rawr

2007-04-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

so march, it went out like a lamb. saturday was a beautiful warm day. but, it did rain after 11pm. so i suppose there was just one last hurrah in there of lion. but really, there wasn't much lion at all this march.

and not as much depression either, i don't think. actually, this march for me has been a month of climbing, learning, and finally having space in my heart (with the overload of stress and worry and anxiety and depression that have plagued me for months simmering down) to process and pray over my self, my insecurities, and the events of the past year.

its a lot, and by no means will i ever be done. but it is good to be moving again, and living life where i am not at the end of my rope every other minute. (or so i think right this second... ha...)

anyway, happy april. happy holy week.

i took this photo...

2007-03-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

and its just that good. its even in a museum.

what we find in interesting corners

2007-03-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

found this quote of john donne in a book i'm reading; its always weird to see sexuality in reference to God, but good i think...

"Take me to You, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, shall never be free
Nor chaste except You ravish me."

from a book...

2007-03-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

(I have been reading this book, Strong Women, Soft Hearts. It isn't the best, nor the worst, book I have ever read about the heart of a woman. However, it has a few good insights. Anyway, here's a quotation that the author quoted in her book: its by Harriet Lerner from her book The Dance of Anger. I found it interesting.)

"Keep in mind that people--like other growing things--do not hold up well in the long run when severed from their roots. If you are emotionally disconnected from family members, you will be more intense and reactive in other relationships. An emotional cut-off with an important family member generates an underground anxiety that can pop up as anger somewhere else."

coke - sugary!

2007-03-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

this was interesting and random enough to catch my attention and cause me to blog. apparently coke makes a coke with real sugar for observant jews during passover. which is cool for them, and also cool for those of us who like coke, but aren't huge high fructose corn syrup fans.

just look for the yellow top and the kosher stamp... between late march and early april.

or, read about it below:
coke with real sugar

i wanna try some!

march...

2007-03-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

lamb.

it came in as a lamb.
i hope march this year can be different from the past........
i really do.

(i hate march, you see. and its usually unknind to me also.)

i used to work on this...

2007-02-24T12:23:00.000-08:00

when i was at LW being architects' buddy, i was working on this

check it out. nice to know at least the end result was something cool.

its hard to believe that i could...

2007-02-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

president's day, making tea, cleaning the house, cleaning the laundry. andrew is posting on his school-related blog (note conspicuous missing hyperlink; you cannot read this blog unless you can find it! ;-) which made me think, well, heck, why not me?

yesterday i played the violin for the first time in ... well, since my last recital. people tell me that recital wasn't a bad performance, but even if they aren't just being nice (which i am convinced that they are) i cannot see the good for the overwhelming disappointment it was to me. just cemented that when it comes to violin, i am not a performer. i am too introverted for that. i'll sing with my voice poetry that i have written to andrew's guitar, but for some reason violin playing is more intimate to me than that. perhaps because it is associated in some way with shame for not being as good as i ought to be, but i don't know.

so... a full nine months later, and i was surprised to find how much muscle memory had remained. i should keep at it. i hope that i will. but we shall see. at the very least, i realized that i liked it. and missed it a good bit.

so, thats good.

2007-02-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

nothing too exciting to report...

new job is fabulous so far. i cannot say how wonderful it is to be so close by. i'm going to try riding a bike to see if thats a worthwhile option.

also, finally found our honeymoon resort on google earth. i can't say how happy that makes me, just to be able to look at it and know it was all real and actually happened. is that odd? likely. its really just a connection with a wonderful vacation. and a reminder of the beginning of our marriage, and everything that has happened since. mmm.

survived (tongue-in-cheek, of course) our first valentine's day as well. complete with champagne, roses, chocolate, unmentionables, and letters. cliche, i'll admit, but really nice. you can catch a picture or two on the photoblog.

that's all for now. nothing deep or inspiring, just continuing of life.
peace.

rediscover

2007-02-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

a quote i just rediscovered that i had jotted down...

"oh the miraculous energy that flows between two people who care enough to take the risk of responding with the whole heart."

cover you tonight

2007-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

(what does a best friend's dad mean to you? what of awkwardness when you most wish for eloquence? how can you sort between the different sufferings of many friends, all so different, all so real? what of my own self-dubbed "sufferings"? these are questions that i don't have answers to. but regardless, to a good man who i liked a lot, as much as i knew him, and because these words are still in his daughter's head:)

"...and he fought to stay but always dreamed that he could leave this place. 
the angels wings will cover you tonight 
hallelujah 
press your head 
against the breast of christ 
hallelujah 

...and isn't it just like me, to mourn his passing breath 
when he will never suffer anymore? 
beautiful his pictures 
fading black and silver 
and i sing of faith but his was true and fierce 
and i will miss him 
the angels wings will cover you tonight 
hallelujah 
press your head against the breast of christ 
hallelujah 

the angels wings will cover you tonight 
hallelujah 
press your head against the breast of christ 
hallelujah"

tell me about it

2007-01-31T16:46:00.000-08:00

today is payday. pretty fantastic, especially when you add the next part: its my last payday here at this job. i won't say "i thought this day would never come" (i'll save that for next thursday, which is my last...), but i will say that i'm glad. really glad.

and i'm really looking forward to working at caltech. with planets. and women. and ... not the people here. and not these dead cubicles. and professors. and (i hope) a relaxed environment which still includes some stimulation.

we have yet to officially celebrate, but i'm celebrating on the inside, every day i'm still here. and now its time to go home.

:)

how i feel about job searching

2007-01-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

bad job opportunity

now these three remain...

2007-01-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

faith, hope and love...

in all the conversations i've had, and all the growing i've been feeling like i've been doing, or at least intentionally trying to be doing... in all of the teary conversations with andrew and friends... in all of the prayers i've written... in all of my identity searching and everything that has made up the last eight months of my life, never did i expect that with only five words someone could have impacted me.

i was talking to a friend out here, explaining why i had felt overwhelmed the previous day, and saying: "i dont think its reducible to any one thing or issue; i wasnt even upset about any one thing. i was just overwhelmed because my whole life is different from what i understood, and what the whole rest of my life was up until 8 months ago. like, theres almost literally nothing that has stayed the same."

and she said to me: "love has. your faith has."

i was startled. by this point, these threads of conversation and thought are well worn enough that i feel like much of the time i am just reminding myself of the same things, or else being struck by something new and subtle. i try live my life intensely (though i'm not always so good at it), to unwind the complexities of things, and unfurl mysteries, to think through things-- probably to the extent that i tangle them up even farther. meanwhile, yesterday, in a few words-- a reminder of foundational things-- i was struck by simplicity.

she went on to say, "well thats all you really need, ya know? rely on those two things; focus on them, and they will support you through the rest. you are lucky to have a family that loves you....a husband that loves you...and faith in a God that loves you. life is life, but when you have those key things, everything else is just minor, ya know?"

yeah, its true. not to say that i hereby renounce complexity, or that my journey of growth and identity and adjustment is anywhere nearing completion. there are still two steps forward and one step back for everything entitled "progress." but sometimes (yes there are these times) the leaves and the bark and the xylem and the chloroplasts are not the level at which it is most beneficial for me to be looking. sometimes i need to remember that there is a forest, too.

faith. love.

hope.

these three remain.

holy photoly

2007-01-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

i just posted a large bundle of pictures at http://twofuscos.blogspot.com.

check it out.

you shook me all night long

2007-01-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

the lady said grieve, mister, grieve...
(i'm killer at blogging. always knew it was my hidden talent.)

so, friday night, everybody feeling fine...me feeling the need to explain my lack of posting. here it is: life is a lot. the holidays were fabulous.

-thanksgiving saw defusco guests crawling all around our 1.5 room pad, and my first ever turkey dinner (success!), and andrew carving the heck out of his first roast bird. also, the weekend was filled with sightseeing and lots of laughing. also lots of sitting in the car.

-after thanksgiving was a weird month in which work was stressful, christmas was coming, and everybody and his brother had a party. but there was lots to do and lots to look forward to, and we saw mel gibson's new movie, which was pretty good (apocalypto). plus, andrew had his first break, so he was working full time at the church for his new gig as the youth man.

-christmas week was full of cheer-- our work lunch party was lame, but they served us tasty food and i got to laugh at how bad my coworkers are at small talk. (architects; what do you expect.) and friday afternoon we got out early, and i snagged the 26 as a day off, so i had a nice long weekend.

-christmas eve candlelight service was worshipful, christmas day was lazy and relaxed and oh so nice (pictures coming soon on twofuscos.blogspot.com), and boxing day we went to the zoo. and bought a membership. and we love the zoo.

-the week post christmas was decent at work, worked hard but was pretty much left alone and not mistreated, and it was only 3 days long. then came new years weekend (let us out early again on friday!!) and we bought ourselves risk (and i proceeded to lose twice), and had another couple for wine-cheese-risk and drank lots of champagne to ring in the new year.

-and then we got up at 5:30 (ungodly) and went to the rose parade. which was cool to see in person. and then we went to some friends' house for a brunch. and then we crashed.

-this week was okay until yesterday, when work got rough and also i realized that starting school again for andrew meant back to the grind and the stress of our normal lives.

so now its back to normal with its goods and bads, and i'm looking for a new job, and andrew is being the youth man and also being a full time student, and we're newlyweds, and i still love cooking.

and i regret that i have gotten out of the habit of yoga, and of playing the violin, and of greek.

and i think i'm done with this post. however, i did want to mention that i am trying to be a bit more intentional about working through the adjustment-to-this-180-degree-change-of-life so that i don't remain in a state of adjusting forever. and part of that includes sitting down and grieving over the good things that have been lost... as given to me per a wise suggestion from a friend of mine.

so there you have why i haven't posted, and everything all nutshelled.
peace.

i will not bend, i will not ...

2006-12-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

i've been lax in posting, and i still am. i just wanted to put a link here in my blog about andrew and my photo blog, where we randomly put pictures of us and whats going on in our life, so friends and family can keep close. :)

http://twofuscos.blogspot.com

wow, convicting. ha.

2006-11-07T10:56:00.001-08:00

this is me, all too often.

my gawsh.

2006-11-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

high of 95 today.
sunday we turned on the ac.
its november 7.
some things are unbelievable. (and pretty cool, too.)

(also, we have been married 150 days today.)

new link!

2006-11-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

so in cleaning out my email (o great impossible task!), i found this link i had emailed myself under the subject line: "blog this!" so, i clicked on the link, and remembered why i kept it. so, i introduce:

the sartorialist.

this guy is really into fashion, and he photographs people on the streets in nyc who's clothing inspires him in some way. if you're into fashion at all, its fantastic.

so now its over in the links section. check it out.

i'll walk this way.

2006-10-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

(yes, this is a quote from a song already quoted in a post last december. strange how it is already almost november. i am re-writing this post as a comment. an epilogue.)

...the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it’s looking this way...

previous: "my head and heart have been heavy with too many thoughts lately. my roommate is graduating this semester (which finishes next wednesday after a grueling week of finals)... and i am jealous, but more than anything reminded -- reminded that i soon will be graduating. reminded that i will soon get married. reminded that life doesn't just "work out", though i grew up thinking that it did. where will i work? how can i possibly find a job i will enjoy? where will andrew get into school? how will we afford to start our life?"

its funny how things have worked out. i don't always believe that they will, but this is a testimony to my small faith, nothing more. i am reminded of the words of a song from highschool days (mxpx): just know this, that God is faithful, even when we don't have faith ourselves. i know enough not to presume that God's faithfulness = everything working out for my own life. but here again, as in his grace has always been the case, he provides beyond necessity into blessing abundant. where will i work? where God leads me - for now in admin for architects. a job i will enjoy? still working on that one, but realizing its more in my head than i thought. where school? pasadena. fuller. how will we afford it? again, God. providing enough. providing more than enough. blessing. my roomate? still holding each other up in prayer and friendship.
thank you, thank you. thank you.

And the moon’s laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way

it's still confusing. there are still questions. and i still fight that same fear, the fear that i can see seeping out of every word i wrote.

And there’s kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say “enough is enough,
If you walk away, I’ll walk away”
And he shot me dead

previous: "we're planning our wedding now too. i love the idea of celebrating such a wonderful event. but i don't know how to hold on to it all, keep everything in place."

And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away

i still feel dizzy from time to time. i still feel the displacement. i wonder if that will change.

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away

You’ll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away

previous: "i'm excited to go from this place. but i'm scared to death. and in the cold of december, everything hits like hot coffee on an empty morning stomach. God lead us, keep us. we wait on your hope."

So I’m up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
I know I’m leaving but I don’t know where to

yeah, i may always feel this way. but that hope does come, come slowly or swiftly. my marriage is not what i idlely dreamed it might be. but it's better. and the wedding i worried about was perfect. and i wouldn't have dreamed this place or this job or this life. neither the lovely, neither the ugly. but taken together, it is beautiful. (forgive me when i cannot see that, can see only the dark.)

still we say: come, lord jesus. come.

guacamole

2006-10-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

this fire was in palm springs. i found it on bbc's news in pictures.
kinda scary if you ask me. especially if it was arson. (they suspect it was). yikes.

rotten.

2006-10-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

morning, world.
(though to most of you who read this from time to time, even if you read it right this moment that i am publishing it, it wouldnt be morning).

i can't see the hollywood sign this morning out my window at work. in fact i can't even see the mountains. LA is lost to smoggy clouds. Intellicast seems to think that they will clear by this afternoon, but i am not convinced. i think today will be ugly all day. blech.

some things are unbelievably wonderful.

2006-10-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

so i was going through my photos, looking to create my "newsy" DeFusco blog i've been playing at, and i came across the wedding ones. (hard to miss, i suppose.) and i came across this. and... wow.
there is nothing in the world like a wedding day, when everything is as it should be. and nothing in the world like looking back on that day and feeling the very same way.

something different: weather

2006-10-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Pasadena, CA
Humidity: 46%
70°F
Clear
Wind: S at 9 mph

Today
77° | 56°

Fri
72° | 55°

Sat
68° | 52°

Sun
73° | 56°

Middleport, NY
Humidity: 87%
34°F
Heavy Thunderstorm Snow
Wind: W at 20 mph

Today
47° | 34°

Fri
49° | 36°

Sat
49° | 38°

Sun
52° | 40°

i edited this post so that matthew could see how much i like to rub this in.
:)

yeah, me.

2006-10-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

i'm just a happy kid, stuck with the heart of a sad punk
drowning in my id; always searching like it's on junk
no matter who i hang out with i can hear the clack-clunk
of the chains that pull the cars up the roller coaster mountain top so high
when it comes down it shoots back up, straight back to the sky
i gotta laugh and then i'm asleep and then i walk around and wanna cry

i get slow days and no days
i get rusty and it's hard
but i get notions that oceans
are coming to my call

you can learn to get along
i'm just a happy kid..

how i feel about bumper stickers.

2006-10-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

thank you, toothpastefordinner.

forgot about the damn soup!

2006-10-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

(sorry for the mild obscenity.)

here's a tribute:

yes, this is google's - so ownership rights go to them. i simply wanted to use it to say, happy reunification day! deutschland über alles!

today signals the end of oktoberfest. i was going to make a soup... maybe i still will, but it'll be too late for the festivities. although i heard there is an oktoberfest somewhere nearby here which runs throughout october.... we'll see if i have a chance to look into that. i am somewhat behind the times today. (lately).

however. today is for celebration. so, soup or no soup, do yourself a favor today. drink some beer. (and maybe spit on someone while you're pronouncing consonants.) (yes, that was a terrible joke... i apologize...)

happy happy!

i shouldn't speak too soon...

2006-09-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

i think that today is one of the first days (perhaps not the very first, but a milestone in a way, still...) that i have honestly liked my job.

despite how i feel come monday, i want to remember that today. and affirm it.

today i like my job.

quote of this day.

2006-09-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

"It is not uncommon for individuals or organizations in Turkey to seek legal action against world leaders whose actions they disapprove of. They have never succeeded."

thank you, cnn.

compliments to the brother...

2006-09-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

matt sent me this article.
and i thought it worth sharing.

hippo.

forwards can be funny

2006-09-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes even the best of us laughs at a forwarded email. i got this one from my husband (while i was at work, i might add), and i laughed a bit. enjoy.... "5 reasons not to complain about your job"...

space race

2006-09-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

okay, i know not everyone is interested in this. but i went to space camp once. and therefore i found this article really cool.

check it out.

sleeping haven

2006-08-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

now, i may not get a whole lot of sleep these days, due to the early metro to catch, but our bedroom is still a sleep haven. and it completes the pictoral tour of our new home.
so here you have it... (these photos are much easier to see if you click on them to enlarge)

health in the cup

2006-08-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

i'm so excited about this article Andrew sent me:

check it out.

it also makes me laugh because i'm not over 40 (yet). but i do like me some tea.

good mornin good mornin good mornin

2006-08-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

the past three days on metro i have had the privilege of having a driver (are they still called engineers on subways?) who welcomes us all with the above (plus about three or four exclaimation marks) and other sundry things such as "you all are the sunshine of my morning." this morning he said he was just so excited the more people he saw, like a kid in a candy store. he's pretty encouraging, i must say. really makes the most of his less-than-incredible job.

thank you metro driver, whomever you are.

for now:

2006-08-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

trying to get the hang of 40 hours in a work week, with 60 minutes spent commuting each way. here's whats running around and around my mind:

well i know i have a negative edge, that's why i sharpen all the others a lot.
it's like flowers or ladybugs, pretty weeds or red beetles with dots.
but in the middle of the night, i worry:
it's blurry even without light.

witch's brew

2006-08-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

when i make coffee in the mornings at work, i feel like i am making some sort of dire witch's concoction... a little of this powder, a little of that dust...

something to see, now

2006-08-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

here's a little taste of our place... (click on any to enlarge) the living/dining area:from another angle:
the kitchen space (really just the other end of the living room):
living/dining with a view of the bedroom door:
and a view out the bedroom window...

(apparently i forgot a picture of the bedroom. perhaps that is to come. we shall see.)

utterly ridiculous news flash

2006-07-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

check this out.

its not news, but it at least makes you smile...

still not despising

2006-07-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

it's bedtime (at 9:30), so this will be short.
but consider it a thursday reflection.

we went to that same biblestudy group again last night, and this time our car didn't break down and we didn't spend today fixing it. instead i spent it in semi-business attire walking in and out of banks and coffee shops looking to throw my resume anywhere that it might land and bear fruit (and where the weeds and thorns won't win out).

some days i do despise this time. but i'm trying not to, trying to appreciate the slow and small and simple and new. it's a stretching sort of thing.

goodnight.

(joy.)

2006-07-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

here's a picture of our wedding! i've been meaning to put some pictures of life lately (so much has happened) but i haven't done it yet.

but anyway... a picture of the best day of our life (so far).........

too much!

2006-07-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

crazier.

it is currently 109 degrees.

wow.

do not despise these small beginnings

2006-07-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

southern california. what a riot. liscence plates and everything!!

so i graduate, get married, and pack up my entire life (andrew doing the same), and we put all of our life into a 4x4x8 space (and don't even fill it) and drag it across 2500 miles to the other coast of the US, unpack our apartment, buy stock in ikea (or just furnish our place with it), and here we are.

man, its crazy and unbelieveable. i have trouble taking everything in. a wedding, that would have been enough. graduation. driving across america. the grand canyon. my first post-degree job search. trying to provide for a new family (the two of us). setting up a new apartment. finding a new church. making new friends. leaving old friends. a honeymoon. saying goodbye and moving away from family. and here we are, in the midst of all.

do not despise these small beginnings.

there are so many stories i could tell. some funny. some sad. some exuberent. how i sat in rush hour LA traffic. (how its everything bad its cracked up to be). how we spent a whole day in target one day. the view from our apartment windows. do not despise.

i remember how right before we left, andrew's dad told us to treasure these days where we had so little. already we have more. really, we have so much... so many blessings. but our life is new. and his words i am reminded of, as they intermingle with a phrase spoken in a different context by Mike Breen last night. do not despise...

last sunday we went to church. we met a few people, went out to lunch. it was pretty cool. the youth pastor invited us to a wednesday night bible study-- and so, come wednesday, we went. the entire story is crazy (you can ask us to tell it) but the gist is that it was lovely, and then we drove home and our car broke down.

so instead of what we had planned, we spent today getting our car fixed and paying money we didn't want to pay. but still, this is life and it is good and simple and new.

do not despise these small beginnings.

in due time

2006-05-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

beyond time for a post.
here's the deal: i'm graduating. for real. wow.
on saturday.

.reply to.rachel.

2006-04-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

in response to rachel's comment on my last post:
i never said i liked to get up early, only that i like early mornings. which i do: they are lovely and peaceful. in honest fact, i don't really like staying up either. i just like late nights.
what can i say but that the hours between about 3am and 9am are among the most underrated joys of life. my body just isn't made to handle them, on either side of the day.

and on that note, i am for sleeping.
goodnight.

(lastthought. like summer played tonight. weird and retrospective.)
he talked about Jesus and the things he did
and the things i do
and the things i do anyway.

zzz

2006-04-20T04:27:00.000-07:00

i got up 45 minutes ago.

i'm dying.
i forgot how to get up early.

from: tallie

2006-04-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

(i don't usually post lyrics too close together... two posts in a row, too much. but tallie sent me this song tonight and it was well timed. oh and excuse the reference to hockey, they are canadian after all. ;-) oh and yes i love me some canada.)

We got a call to write a song about the war in the Gulf
But we shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings
So we tried, then gave up, 'cause there was no such song
But the trying was very revealing
What makes a person so poisonous righteous
That they'd think less of anyone who just disagreed?
She's just a pacifist, he's just a patriot
If I said you were crazy, would you have to fight me?

Fighters for liberty, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight, 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me

So we read and we watched all the specially selected news
And we learned so much more 'bout the good guys
Won't you stand by the flag? Was the question unasked
Won't you join in and fight with the allies?
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
With 25 sweet summers, and hot fires in the cold
This kind of life makes that violence unthinkable
We'd like to play hockey, have kids and grow old

Fighters for Texaco, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we

He's just a peacenik and she's just a warhawk
That's where the beach was, that's where the sea
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
And history seems to agree 
that I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we

Is that how it always will be?

oh the rain

2006-03-30T18:07:00.000-08:00

(no no, it was sunny out today...)

when i wake, you're there
when i run, run for me
when i call, you listen
just to believe that you want me
makes me think i'm bound to know you
rain down on me
give me the eyes to see you
rain down on me
i will believe in you

i feel very ineffectual tonight. i feel for the suicide victims i read about in my textbook, for the friend who tells me the update on her sick father, for the children across the globe whose pain i dont even know (www.invisiblechildren.com). i think of the prayer that ends evening prayer in the anglican prayerbook and i want to pray it over the whole world:

keep watch, dear lord, with those who work
when i wake, you're there
or watch, or weep this night,
when i run, run for me
and give your angels charge over those who sleep.
when i call, you listen
tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary,
just to believe that you want me
bless the dying,
makes me think i'm bound to know you
soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted,
rain down on me
shield the joyous;
give me the eyes to see you

and all for your love's sake.

rain down on me
i will believe

make my life clear to you
lord to do what you want me to
rain your spirit down on me
oh, your rain

two cheers for mediocrity

2006-03-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

first things first, check out rachel in my links. she's one of the coolest people in my knowledge; andrew and i met her in yellowstone last summer. and her most recent blog entry involves her reply to an email i sent her.

beyond that, i'm frustrated. i had a violin lesson this morning. i'm working on a piece that is supposed to be the culmination of four years of relearning how to play the violin -- this time for real. but after practicing fairly responsibly, intensively, and dare i say-- well, i played what i had practiced and her comments were: "your left hand is jumping, not sponging, and breaking the line of the music. similarly, your bow is jumping and not settled into the string." she might as well have said, "you haven't learned a thing."

for my whole life those comments have haunted my playing. translated into english, they mean: "you're afriad of the violin, your hands and arms are tense, you're like a little kid crossing his fingers and jumping out of the tree, hoping he will land in one piece." okay, so that's my interpretation. but it's frustrating. that's the violinist i don't want to be anymore.

but i guess its who i am. and that sucks, because i hate being mediocre (or bad? sometimes yes, its downright bad.)

oh sigh.

tonight

2006-03-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

just a few moments left before sleep tonight.
we had a good time tonight, four crazy girls sitting and talking about nothing.

i am thankful for tonight.

by the numbers

2006-03-20T16:42:00.000-08:00

here's the update on my life. crazy but simple, getting ready for the following events:

19 days until andrew's birthday
48 days until my own
62 days until graduation
82 days until our wedding
91 days until the rest of our lives, including school, work, a major move, and married life.

wow.

don't laugh, this is for real!

2006-03-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

This is an automated email from TALLIE'S INTERNET ATTENTION SPAN, TM (TIAS).

Notice: Update your blog within the next x days. The negative reinforcement* of updateless-disappointment TIAS endures each time your blog's link is clicked will soon become overwhelming. Additionally, the industrial psychiatrist we have here at TIAS is starting to be concerned about the psychological safety of opening your blog page. It's been a rough fiscal year for the company, and we just can't handle the healthcare bills that may ensue from the emotional damage of ongoing lack of updates.

Thank you,
The webteam at TIAS.

*yes, it should technically be "positive punishment", but it just doesn't sound as cool.

darcy will agree with this post.

2006-02-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
- Dame Edna Everage

but better than that,

"Sarah, sometimes its just amusing to watch you go through life."
-Darcy

beautiful puzzle pieces

2006-02-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

its not thursday yet, but my posting has been sparse this year. and i also need to prove to my priest (in case he ever reads this again), that i'm not all melancholy.
so, the beautiful pieces:

i'm thrilled that it is warm out today, and sunny, and spring-like. andrew is of the opinion that my moods are too weather-based. i heartily agree.
i was working in the psych suite during a meeting of the profs and they asked my opinion on a few matters. that embarrassed (but of course also flattered) me. and the best part is that they are moving the department in a really good direction. i'm really happy for the future of psychology here.
on the way back to my room i heard the sound of a single little airplane and looked up to see it puttering across the open blue sky. and i realized that i love that sound. it produces such a queer little warmth inside of me. i wish that i had been proactive about getting my pilot's license while i was still in highschool, but regardless i still love the sound. and i love being up in them. so even if i never do fly (life is only so big after all) i hope my dad gets his plane so that i can ride with him a time or two again.
yesterday we bought the rings. :)